Sunday, August 9, 2009

A Sunday Drive

A Guide for Expatriate
Drivers in Malaysia
Since arriving in Malaysia in 1997, I have tried on many occasions to buy a copy of the Malaysian road rules, but have come to the conclusion that no such publication exists (or if it does, it has been out of print for years). Therefore, after carefully observing the driving habits of Malaysian drivers, I believe I have at last worked out the rules of the road in Malaysia. For the benefit of other expatriates living in Malaysia, and the 50% of local drivers who acquired their driving licences without taking a driving test, I am pleased to share my knowledge below:

Q: What is the most important rule of the road in Malaysia?
A: The most important rule is that you must arrive at your destination ahead of the car in front of you. This is the sacrosanct rule of driving in Malaysia. All other rules are subservient to this rule.
Q: What side of the road should you drive on in Malaysia?
A: 99.7% of cars drive on the left hand side, 0.2% on the right hand side, and 0.1% drive in reverse (be on the look out for drivers reversing at high speed in the left hand lane of freeways, having just missed their exit). Therefore on the basis of 'majority rules', it is recommended that you drive on the left. However, be aware that only 90% of motorcyclists travel on the left hand side - the other 10% ride in the opposite direction or on the sidewalk. Fortunately, motorcyclists traveling in reverse are rarely seen.
Q: What are the white lines on the roads?
A: These are known as lane markers and were used by the British in the colonial days to help them drive straight after consuming their gin and tonics. Today their purpose is mainly decorative, although a double white line is used to indicate a place that is popular to overtake.

Q: When can I use the emergency lane?
A: You can use the emergency lane for any emergency, e.g. you are late for work, you left the toaster plugged in at home, you are bursting to go to the toilet, you have a toothache or you have just dropped a hot latte in your lap. As it is an emergency, you may drive at twice the speed of the other cars on the road.
Q: Do traffic lights have the same meaning as in other countries?
A: Not quite. Green is the same – that means “Go”, but amber and red are different. Amber means “Go like hell” and red means “Stop if there is traffic coming in the other direction or if there is a policeman on the corner”. Otherwise red means the same as green. Note that for buses, red lights do not take effect until five seconds after the light has changed.
Q: What does the sign “Jalan Sehala” mean?
A: This means “One Way Street” and indicates a street where the traffic is required to travel in one direction. The arrow on the sign indicates the preferred direction of the traffic flow, but is not compulsory. If the traffic is not flowing in the direction in which you wish to travel, then reversing in that direction is the best option.
Q: What does the sign “Berhenti” mean?
A: This means “Stop”, and is used to indicate a junction where there is a possibility that you may have to stop if you cannot fool the cars on the road that you are entering into thinking that you are not going to stop.
Q: What does the sign “Beri Laluan” mean?
A: This means “Give Way”, and is used to indicate a junction where the cars on the road that you are entering will give way to you provided you avoid all eye contact with them and you can fool them into thinking that you have not seen them.

Q: What does the sign “Dilarang Masuk” mean?
A: This means “No Entry”. However, when used on exit ramps in multi-storey car parks, it has an alternative meaning which is: “Short cut to the next level up”.

Q: What does the sign “Pandu Cermat” mean?
A: This means “Drive Smartly”, and is placed along highways to remind drivers that they should never leave more than one car length between them and the car in front, irrespective of what speed they are driving. This is to ensure that other cars cannot cut in front of you and thus prevent you from achieving the primary objective of driving in Malaysia, and that is to arrive ahead of the car in front of you. If you can see the rear number plate of the car in front of you, then you are not driving close enough.
Q: What is the speed limit in Malaysia?
A: The concept of a speed limit is unknown in Malaysia.
Q: So what are the round signs on the highways with the numbers, 60, 80 and 110?
A: This is the amount of the ‘on-the-spot’ fine (in ringgits - the local currency) that you have to pay to the police if you are stopped on that stretch of the highway. Note that for expatriates or locals driving Mercedes or BMWs, the on-the-spot fine is double the amount shown on the sign.
Q: Where do you pay the ‘on-the-spot’ fine?
A: As the name suggests, you pay it ‘on-the-spot’ to the policeman who has stopped you. You will be asked to place your driving licence on the policeman's notebook that he will hand to you through the window of your car. You will note that there is a spot on the cover of the notebook. Neatly fold the amount of your fine into four, place the fine on the spot, and then cover it with your driving licence so that it cannot be seen. Pass it carefully to the policeman. Then, with a David Copperfield movement of his hands, he will make your money disappear. It is not necessary to applaud.
Q: But isn’t this a bribe?
A: Oh pleeease, go and wash your mouth out. What do you want? A traffic ticket? Yes, you can request one of those instead, but it will cost you twice the price, forms to fill out, cheques to write, envelopes to mail, and then three months ater when you are advised that your fine was never received, more forms to fill out, a trip to the police station, a trip to the bank, a trip back to the police station, and maybe then you will wish you had paid ‘on-the-spot’.

Q: But what if I haven’t broken any road rules?
A: It is not common practice in Malaysia to stop motorists for breaking road rules (because nobody is really sure what they are). The most common reasons for being stopped are: (a) the policeman is hungry and would like you to buy him lunch; (b) the policeman has run out of petrol and needs some money to get back to the station; (c) you look like a generous person who would like to make a donation to the police welfare fund; or (d) you are driving an expensive car which means you can afford to make a donation to the police welfare fund.
Q: Does my car require a roadworthy certificate before I can drive it in Malaysia?
A: No, roadworthy certificates are not required in Malaysia. However there are certain other statutory requirements that must be fulfilled before your car can be driven in Malaysia. Firstly, you must ensure that your windscreen is at least 50% obscured with English football club decals, golf club membership stickers or condo parking permits. Secondly, you must place a tissue box (preferably in a white lace cover) on the back shelf of your car under the rear window. Thirdly, you must hang as many CDs or plastic ornaments from your rear vision mirror as it will support. Finally, you must place a Garfield doll with suction caps on one of your windows. Your car will then be ready to drive on Malaysian roads.

Q: What does a single yellow line along the edge of a road mean?
A: This means parking is permitted.
Q: What does a double yellow line along the edge of a road mean?
A: This means double parking is permitted.
Q: What does a yellow box with a diagonal grid of yellow lines painted on the road at a junction mean?
A: Contrary to the understanding of some local drivers, this does not mean that diagonal parking is permitted. It indicates a junction that is grid-locked at peak hours.
Q: Can I use my mobile phone whilst driving in Malaysia?
A: No problem at all, but it should be noted that if you wish to use the rear-vision mirror to put on your lipstick or trim your eyebrows at the same time as you are using a mobile phone in the other hand, you should ensure that you keep an elbow free to steer the car. Alternatively, you may place a toddler on your lap and have the child steer the car whilst you are carrying out these other essential tasks.
Q: Is it necessary to use indicator lights in Malaysia?
A: These blinking orange lights are commonly used by newly arrived expatriate drivers to indicate they are about to change lanes. This provides a useful signal to local drivers to close up any gaps to prevent the expatriate driver from changing lanes. Therefore it is recommended that expatriate drivers adopt the local practice of avoiding all use of indicator lights. However, it is sometimes useful to turn on your left hand indicator if you want to merge right, because this confuses other drivers enabling you to take advantage of an unprotected gap in the traffic.

Q: Why do some local drivers turn on their left hand indicator and then turn right, or turn on their right hand indicator and then turn left?
A: This is one of the unsolved mysteries of driving in Malaysia.


(The above subject was from an e-mail I received last week. It makes a good reading. Actual Author unknown. Photos are from Googles Images. Any references made to any persons living or dead are pure co-incidental...Ed)

Saturday, August 8, 2009

De-Stressing Friday

A Relaxing Evening
with David Foster!

My wifey and I were running around Klang doing our usual stuff and this time, we did it doubly quick and had sometime left before we got home. Dropped by Speedy Video in Klang Parade (the ONLY) Speedy outlet in Klang Utara, that sells Blu Ray Discs!

We were looking for the new talk-about Music Concert by David Foster. He is the producer, writer, co-writer for so many popular songs since the late 70s. I too, did not know about him till I saw some TV advertisements about his Concert " HIT MAN- David Foster & Friends"
His friends includes Peter Cetera, Andrea Bocelli, Michael Buble, Celine Dion, Kenng G , Boz Scaggs, Brian McKnight, Josh Groben, Blake Shelton, Michael Johns, William Joseph, Charice, and Katharine McPhee. Introduction by Andre Aggassi!
Charice, a sixteen year old from the Philippines sang Whitney Houston's and is the one to watch in the music scene. She has a powerful voice!
We enjoyed this two hour show and did not regret spending RM79.90 for this BluRay Disc which reproduces it in full Dolby Digital 5.1 Audio but further enchanced on our Onkyo 7.1 sound system with 19 speakers! Also the full HD presentation onto our Full HD 1080p 47" LCD TV is crystal clear and is truely awesome! HD is great!

Katherine Mcphee (an American Idol participant) sang a duet wonderfully with non-other than Andrea Bocelli. Guess who can even sing (let alone going near to) near such a gigantic maestro? Lucky girl!

Life is really great! Let us all live it to the fullest.

Thanks to Warners Brothers (Malaysia) for introducing this special concert in Blue Ray Disc at only RM 79.90! If you like these kind of pleasant music, go get one and buy the DVD version (preferably a Blu Ray if your got the player). Make sure you connect it to your hi-fi for better acoustics. Enjoy!

Friday, August 7, 2009

Plane Spotting

Something New?

Remember the old Subang International Airport?
One can just park their cars next to the taxiing runway to look aircrafts and feel the awesome power of their jet engines. Or perhaps have lunch or dinner looking at jets taking off.
I missed those days.
Do everyone know that the (KLIA) Kuala Lumpur International Airport and its surroundings are out of bounds to the public even for families trying to teach or educate their children how to appreciate airplanes?
A long time ago, when KLIA was at its completion stages, one was allowed to view the runway and the airport from the observation hill directly opposite the airport.
Today, this particular is a restricted zone. There is a signage warning you to keep clear and out of it. They even show you a 'graphic' that one may be "tembak-ed" (shot) if you enter the area.

Why is this so? What are they afraid of? Would be terrorists? Someone who can use a RPG (rocket propelled grenade) to shoot down planes? Awww....come on, that did not happen to any in civilized countries. Are we not a safe country anymore? If anyone wants to do that, I seriously think they can do it anywhere near the flight path. Not from that 'observation hill.'
There are such hobbyists going around 'shooting planes' with cameras. Even with High-end photographic equipment. And also in Airports around the world! Just go to this three favourite websites to see the excellent pictures taken by these enthusiasts at Airliners.net and our own Malaysian Wings forum. & Velocity forum.

Dear KLIA authorities, please-lah allow back the public something to pass their time and to be educated. Let our children have some fun and for us photo/videographers some space to enjoy our passion. You may say that it was done for public safety. Please-lah give us a better excuse but not this lame-duck reasoning! We are reaching year 2020 already.

Please see this picture, courtesy of Airliner.net, how people in other countries enjoying an airliner landing at an airport.

Awesome. Wish to hear from any avid plane spotters out there.

(pictures courtesy of Airliners.net, MalaysianWings & Velocity)

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Best Popiah in Klang 2009

Kim Heong
Popiah Corner

Birds Talking Too's vote for the Best Chinese Popiah in Klang for 2009. The above stall is at the Thursday Pasar Malam in Jalan Pekan Bahru/Jalan Meru junction. They start their stall at 6pm.

They are from Pekan Pandamaran and have been very popular for almost a decade. After doing the lunch and tea crowd there, they procede to this pasar malam immediately.
The size of the popiah is humongus and it is a meal by itself!
One can taste the freshnest of their ingredients of taufu, eggs, fresh cucumber, beans sprout, crunchy lettuce, a generous helping of yam bean (sengkuang) together with a sweet sauce and is best to add some of their chillie paste.
A special HD Video here was shot at their 'Thursdays' Pasar Malam outlet.



Be there no later than 7.30pm before they are sold out!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Klang Is Suffocating!..Pt.2

Bloody Hell!

Why is it always when something hit PutraJaya, then the Gormen say something about it?
Malaysiakini reported that it 'gloomed' all the dickheads there!
We in Klang have been choked by the damned bloody SMOG for the last two weeks and even the Press did not say anything but mentioned only Port Klang and Shah Alam. Just what is the API reading now, today? Isn't Klang town more populated than Shah Alam and Port Klang? Or the Gormen do not want to cause a 'panic situation'?

As I type this, just look out of the window! It is pucking polluted! The heavy 3-hour rain this morning even could not clear the haze! Just where the puck is the haze coming from? Indonesia again?

With all the power, brains (if any) and machinery, just why can't the damn Gormen do, really do, something and end this SMOG once and for all? All talking cock but no action. Prefers to whack own citizens who are tax payers and who protested in the streets! Are we not Malaysians? I would prefer that if any pucking 'illegals' caught burning on our land, we just catch them and hang them by da balls?

Read a blog that the SMOG have reached Putrajaya and the folks are all worked-up. Puck you!
We have this SMOG for 2 weeks already while you were still sleeping on the job. We die first ..izzit? You think you really bigshot..izzit!
Just what have we got to do to let the Gormen knows that this SMOG thinggy is bad for our health? Where is the 'healthy' minister? Isn't he going to say or act on anything? Do we have to make a street protest over this SMOG?

Puck da schucks!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Gaji Buta!

How To Make Money
Without Selling Anything!


TMNut is at it again.
Do it, you pay. Don't do it, you also pay!

(The above appeared in The Star newspaper today)

What the fuck are all this croonies doing to the public? They are really "milking us dry"! We, the public have been watching what we spend everyday and one will be surprised at how easy going "tidak apa" we have been all these years! Electricity bill increase have already started. Today and everyday, we are paying a new rate. The bill comes end of the month! Scream now or at the end of the month? Malaysian are well known for screaming only 'there and then'. Then after that, forget already.

Another example is the water bill we are paying for the office, which is at the first floor of a two storey shop lot. The MINIMUM payment is RM36.00 per month. That would mean RM 430.00 per year. The funny thing is that we use only RM1.00 per month worth because we do not bathe or cook in the office. Therefore SYABAS makes the balance of RM35.00 per month. FUCK! No use water also pay in full. That means SYABAS get paid for not selling what is worth! Who the fuck, doesn't want this kind of business arrangement? Guaranteed Gaji Buta (Blind Salary)
Also like TMNut again. Their Stimyx Broadband costs us RM88.00 per month for a 1Mbps package. With such low fucking speed of 32Kbps, I would say that it is only worth RM8.00 per month. They make RM80.00 per month for nothing! That would be RM960.00 per year!

Who da fuck, doesn't want this kind of business monopoly?

Monday, August 3, 2009

SemiValue Dept.

SHADDAP LAH!
SAMMI.
"Street Demos Shooing Away Investors"

Are you still alive? Are you still speaking from that cave somewhere North of here? You only represent certain percentage of a certain percentage community and NOT the whole population. Why can't you just Shut da Fuck up?

You see, I really do not know how educated you are. The last time I heard, you even failed your standard six (12 years old)! Investors have better brains than you. They do not see just street demos to decide Investments. The country's Stability and its Citizens' well-being are the one to watch!

Here, I give you top 10 things the Smart Investors have been watching!

1) Increasing CRIME rate! Many investors do not want their wives and daughters go through the ordeal of having their handbags snatched! Getting raped or murdered is not on their list either. Dying in lockaps are also increasing!

2) When Investors come over to build factories, their specialists and staff would also be here. I believe our TV entertainment STINKS to high heaven! You want them to watch the stupid local stuff 24/7? What? ASSTRO? Are you that stupid!
3)As if the foreign bosses are not that 'all-read' person, I strongly believe that they also do not like Mat Rempits! No, not even smelly armpits!
4)SMOG! No, not mist, not haze, dew or fog. It is SMOG! Dirty burning bushes smoke! Caused by some poor farmers taking the fast, cheap and easy way out to plant crops. Bad air means bad health and Investors wants pure & clean air to stay alive.
5) Public Transport is also important. All of them are controlled by croonies and are clueless about running the show. Therefore, the public suffers. Now bus and taxi fares are up!
6) Unhygienic food. Just see the ever increasing numbers of cheap foreign labourers at many eateries. Third World hygiene standards (if there is ever one). The numbers of food poisoning cases are also up. What about hospitals and denggue?
7) Fuckingly slow "Broadband" which is supposedly to be "World Class". How do one do business with such slow connectivity?
8) Corruption is still unsolved. New and powerful 'warloards' are showing up with their new 'palaces, 'istanas' and 'castles' which are also sprouting all over. Even a dentist can afford millions of Ringgit in renovations! The 'palace', pictured below, is owned by a railway gate-keeper's family.
9) Malaysia is the most expensive place to buy 'that' car. I am refering to a country, not an island like Sinkapore that have limited roads. Only one 'person' controls the sale prices of all the good branded cars!
10) Banned this and banned that. Controlled entertainment stuff like shows and liquors, 'not certified-fit-for-consumption food', 'sinful' stuff, raids at night spots, easy availability of physchotric drugs like estascy ......blah,blah! Some poor 'gwei lohs' were even rounded up like cattles in a night club raid! I also remember an old foreign couple, like in their 80s, got a shock when the zealots broke into their room. They were suspected to be having illict sex!
Then, the easy availability of Ayams (No, not ayamas) prostitutes from China and drugs.

Sammi, it is this pile of shit that the Investors are worried about coming to this once-lovely country, which is so dear to us. It is also 'assholes' like you blabbering and acting like little Napeoleans that is causing the problem. Definitely not some poor souls trying to do some peaceful demonstration as done in more advanced countries.

This is pure shit sammi, pure Shit.
Any shit left?

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Klang Is Suffocating!

FuckedUp API
Am I going nuts or am I seeing things?
Got up this Sunday morning as it rained for half an hour.

I thought I'd better go do some video shoot because usually after the rain, we get better visibility thus good scenery shots. But then, the smog came & got thicker! As at 2pm, it got worst! (warning...bad pictures ahead)

Just what da fuck is our beloved country going thru? What da fuck are the authorities doing besides shooting water canons at helpless prosters? Our dear citizens are getting ill. Six are already dead from the disease of the air.Is the minister, chief minister, small minister and the prime minister are all blind to this? Gawd, please do not let me read the news tomorrow that all is well and the API (Air Pollutant Index) is normal but slightly above the average! Bullshit! Enough is enough!

Since they 're-adjusted' the index many years ago, my trust for it's reading have gone down the longkang! Cock! They are talking pure cock!

Just what happened to the usual clear and clean air that we breathe? We are fed up with all the excuses & blames and the helplessness da authorities are saying year-in and (y)ear-out. You are da fucking authorities that we placed you there with our taxes. So get your arses out of that goddamned air-cond office and do something! Shoot some people if necessary!
It gets worst every year!
Or is it that the 'godamned-money-making-fuckers' cannot think of a way to make MONEY from free air that they just could not care less.... izzit?

Hey, air is FREE. Leave it alone. It is Nature's gift to us, f.o.c , so that we all (animals included) can be alive. There are not enough green areas in every town and cities to help re-generate the already polluted air! So stop eyeing every 'green patches' or trees to cut down to make money!
Just where da fuck are the minister of Environment & the Health(y) minister?
Just what can we, the tax payers and loyal citizens do to tell da Gormen that we are serious?
Write email, complain to the press, blog, ....no reply. Also cannot ....protest!
What?...... wait another 5 years for the damn General Elections?

Just what da fuck?

(all da above damn 'lousy' pictures are mine...Google Images is smart enough not to give out bad pictures!)

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Malaysian Broadband

50%PENETRATION
by 2010!!

Just what the hell is Broadband here in Malaysia?

Does the learned minister, MCMC and all the CEOs of the respective companies involved really surf the internet? Really?Recently?At home?

The news reported that 3 WiMAX firms were warned for not fully or partially rolling out their services thus risk losing their licenses.

The Gormen has set a target to have 50% national broadband penetration rate in the country by end 2010. This is for the combined WiMax, fixed and cellular networks. See here also.

Now, now, let's see. Our 1Mbps we are paying to TMNut's streamyx........ already sucks.
Try clicking any news for a short video clip. The 'streaming' stutters & hangs most of the time.

So much so that one just gives up halfway. Try clicking here at HD Web. The announcement would tell you point-blank that 'your internet speed sucks 'big time' that you would not be able to see anything!

I was so desperate that I approached P1 WiMax. Maxis also.No go. Bollox!
The others also said the same thing. My house is only 500m from TMNut's exchange. Nada. No brand can do. Ya, even a naked tortoise! Yeah 'done right'... Balls!
Did I get it right? Malaysian's population is now at about 28million (excluding illegals). Gormen says the internet is already covering 25%. That would mean 7million people. Divide that into a family of six (including the maid and the cats), then TMNut is correct. They earlier said something like they already have 1.5 million customers.
Yeah, 1.5 millions fools who are suffering with ultra slow speed that we call 'broadband' and TM makes about RM13.2 million a month for the RM88/package. That would sum up to cool RM1.6 Billion a year!! Tak Malu!


The funny thing is that where 'areas' can get better internet coverage, the others are also available but if one live a little bit outside that 'area', go get yourself 'penetrated'!!!!

So what the fuck is all this 'penetration' all about? Penetration my arse!
Come 2010, just what kind of penetration are we talking about?

What we need is QUALITY of broadband. Not QUANTITY of users!
Shit! Open some more!